Mommy’s New “F” word

October 22, 2009

No, it doesn’t rhyme with “duck.”  It’s not even close to “diggin.”  It’s actually an uppity-sounding, three-syllable utterance.  Ready?  FLATULENCE.

Yeah, you heard right.  The fancy way of saying “farting.”  Now, I’m not one for potty humor. But, this is something that truly perplexes me.  Before I begin, a bit of back story.

I was the girl growing up who NEVER tooted in public.  If I had to do that God-forsaken act, I would run far away into a field, amidst the trees and then let a tiny one eek out.  Even into my first year of marriage, my husband had never heard me pass gas.  I’m Southern.  It just wasn’t done.  It’s the law.

And then…I got pregnant.

Suddenly, perpetual flatulence descended upon me.  The books all said it was normal.  Hubby and I laughed it off, and then chuckled ‘til we cried when it became an hourly occurrence in the last few weeks before the baby arrived.

But, then I gave birth.  So, the flatulence should have left, right?  WRONG.  My daughter is now 16 months old and I can’t remember a “flatulence-free” day.  Let me paint a picture of some of the more memorable occurrences:

  • Going downstairs carrying a load of laundry.  I tooted the entire flight of 20 stairs…a good 10 seconds straight.
  • Reaching for a package of curtains from the top shelf at a linens store…right as the sales assistant walks by.  I left…sans curtains.
  • Accepting communion at Sunday Mass.  Yep, right at the throne of our Lord Jesus Christ.
  • And the most mortifying, consoling my husband after he returned from putting our cat, Lucy, to sleep.  (But, that one DID lighten a very difficult moment).

I have NO idea when they are coming.  It’s not something I can sense.  They just appear…like a pimple on prom night.  I will say that they are odorless bursts of air.  But, that doesn’t comfort me.  There’s still THE SOUND.  It’s like slowly letting the air out of the bladder of a basketball.

I’m certain this is related to giving birth.  Things have shifted, stretched, you name it.  But, if memory serves, my daughter did not come out that particular hole.  I’m hoping it will cease in time.  Meanwhile, it’s just another wild and wacky part of my life.

So, you must be thinking, “Why on Earth is she posting this blog?”  A couple of reasons.

#1 — I am a comedic actress who is dedicated to finding the humor in my life (and this takes the cake right now).

#2 – I hope to make YOU laugh and brighten your day (you deserve it).

#3 – I want to find other moms who can relate.  We must bond (and giggle) about this affliction.

Are you plagued with the “F” word?  Let’s hear it!


Trapped INSIDE my car wearing Santa earrings

September 28, 2009

As an actress in L.A. for 10 years, I have gone on hundreds of auditions.  While the auditions themselves have been interesting, TRAVELING TO the audition has always been non-eventful…until today.

Left home and zipped down the freeway to West L.A. headed to a Sprint audition. Beautiful day. No traffic.  Even knocked out a conference call on the way into town.  Arrived at the audition early.  Sat in my car to finish the conference call.  Then, it was time to go in…or so I would have hoped.

I pushed the button to unlock the car.  Nothing.  Tried two more times. Nada.  Fine, I’ll unlock the door manually.  As I open the door, my car alarm starts blaring at levels destined to break the sound barrier.  Scared the crud out of me.  Quickly shut the door — still inside the car (mind you) — and the alarm won’t turn off.  I reached for my remote entry key and frantically pushed the alarm button to silence the obnoxious sound.  Broken.  The alarm blared for 3 minutes straight, then stopped.  Okay, that was weird. But, everything should be okay.

Oh, no!

Tried to get out of the car again, same thing.  Three minutes later, I tried tried turning on the car.  Won’t turn over, but the alarm does…that horrific sound resonating through the air.  The day laborers waiting across the street glare at me  very suspiciously.  A group of HOT guys come out of a nearby office building, chuckle at me and shake their heads.   What’s so funny?  Haven’t they ever seen a woman literally trapped INSIDE her car outside of a Kung Fu school wearing Christmas attire.

Yeah, you heard right!  It was a commercial audition for a Sprint holiday spot.  Had to come in my best green/red sweater.  Not only did I don one heavy mother of a sweater, Santa Claus earrings dangled from my ears.  Yes, I truly looked like your Aunt Gertrude from some po-dunk town in Anywhere, U.S.A.

On top of that…it’s about 100 degrees in my car.

So, a) I am trapped inside a honking vehicle outside of a Kung Fu school; b) the people around me see a wacky broad decked out like Mrs. Claus sitting inside the car, dripping with sweat and screaming into a cell phone; c) my husband is trying to get me to tinker with a fuse box (as if I even know what I am doing); and d) I for sure am going to miss this audition (a national commercial, mind you).

Did I fail to mention that shortly afterward, the Parking Meter Nazi showed up and I had to scream at this cop through my window that I couldn’t get out of my car because of the alarm?  Why I wasn’t arrested for possible grand auto theft, I haven’t a clue.  I think my Santa earrings saved me.

Praise God for AAA, which showed up 45 minutes later.  Ali — my fabulous tow truck guy — was able to fix the problem on the spot.  Sure enough…a loose thing-a-ma-jig.  Alarm stopped.  I exited the car and blinked frantically as mascara melted into my eyes.  I looke like Tammy Faye Baker, circa 1985.

Happy ending…I was able to grab a quick lunch and make the final window of auditions for the spot.  Thanks to my agents, Kim and Joan, for helping me to laugh through this.  Big kudos to my husband for driving across town to try and save the day, with our 15-month-old daughter in tow.  And HAIL TO ALI at AAA for silencing the damn alarm.

I have one word that needs to happen after all of this…CALLBACK!

Hello world!

August 17, 2009

Being an actress can be quite amusing at times.  Couple that with being a mother of a 14-month-old, and oh, the comedy just flows.

Hi, I’m Brooke Baumer.  Welcome to MommyActs.  I’m creating this blog to chronicle my hilarious adventures as a new mom to my beautiful daughter, Emory.  Oh, and yeah, the stories will hopefully weave their way into another one-woman show or series of Webisodes.  “Create your own magic.”  The new four buzz words here in LaLa land.

Technically, I have no idea what I am doing.  I’m one of those gals who still PREFERS carry a daytimer so I can WRITE things down vs. storing them into a phone, Blackberry, whatever.  So, the look and feel of this blog will evolve over time as I learn my social media chops.  But, one thing is for sure (at least I hope)…to make you laugh.  We all need a bit of laughter in a world that is much too serious.

More to come. Thanks for reading. And if you enjoy, tell a friend!